


(looking in your face like) looking in the sun

by oxymoronbby



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: M/M, POV Andrew Minyard, POV Neil Josten, Professional Exy Player Neil Josten, Raven Neil, book shop owner Andrew Minyard, implied kevin/jeremy/jean, mentioned hand injury, my mind said 'words!' and i had to say yes, that is... a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:08:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28248171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oxymoronbby/pseuds/oxymoronbby
Summary: “Does Aaron have a doppelganger? I saw this guy that looks a lot like him.”“Really? I know, right, we’re surprised too,” Nicky said but then he started laughing so damn hard he had to go in the back room to calm down. When Neil looked at Erik for explanation all he got was a smirk and a seemingly innocent shrug.
Relationships: Kevin Day/Jeremy Knox/Jean Moreau, Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, Nicky Hemmick/Erik Klose
Comments: 9
Kudos: 140
Collections: AFTG Exchange Winter 2020





	(looking in your face like) looking in the sun

**Author's Note:**

  * For [makebelieveanything](https://archiveofourown.org/users/makebelieveanything/gifts).



> This is a gift for Madison (@makebelieveanything) for the AFTG gift exchange winter event. Thank you for waiting and I hope you'll like it <3 I had fun writing this even though I went a little to the left at the beginning. Thank you so much for the beautiful prompts. Sending love!
> 
> Thank you, Luci for looking over it! 
> 
> The title is from Carlie Hanson's song "Daze Inn"

He was leaning out his bedroom window, looking down with the disinterest of a long dead man and the agility of years on his toes. He knows the cafe opens at 7 sharp; he never went there. He knows the ornaments in front of the city hall light up at five in the evening and the high school kids buy mulled wine when their parents are not looking. He doesn’t care and he can barely see these unfold but he knows.

The same way, Neil Josten knows the bookstore down the street is open. Open in full holiday season. Neil doesn’t know when it opens, who lights it up in the morning and he keeps missing the closing hours. It’s annoying, just a little competitive and—maybe—interesting. He can see a figure going around the building, its own movements cynical and, if not for the usual book browsing, seemingly stopping to open one and then reading a few closing pages, it could have been almost robotical. Still, Neil had a feeling nothing about this person was robotical, there was too much emotion around the bookstore for it to not mean something. People were coming and going and they almost always left with a few books or cards or trinkets.

You can’t make people care and not have it affect you as well. It was one of the reasons he has never been there. Neil likes to think he’s not afraid of anything, still he keeps to the other side of the street when need be he has to walk in front of the bookstore.

It’s the single mystery of this town that he has yet to close.

Neil moved here a month ago, looking for a place to actually live in after his injury took the best of him. Exy is a violent and cruel sport and if you don’t have the team to back you up, you’re down. It happened to him and if not for his desire to go back on court he would have been stubborn enough to play the drills Kevin showed him at the local college’s court right now. He thought better of it and listened to Kevin’s other lesson: stay safe. He has never been safe but sometimes he wants it with such a fierceness it must be another person’s. So he stays calm, trying to blend into the background and not think too much about all the information he doesn’t have.

Neil is aware Kevin wants what’s the best for him, even if that involves moving miles away but he can feel the judgement in their daily calls. Kevin must know Neil can’t stay still, he must be aware of his morning runs, of his evening workout. Of all the recommended exercises he never even looked at. His hand will never be the same again and, while it is interesting how he can match with Kevin now, he knows he can’t make that joke.

Kevin Day, the world champion, the son of Exy, how Neil wished he was here. Yet, Kevin had responsibilities that don’t involve his best friend and Neil knows he couldn’t live with another person right now. Matt would be acceptable but Matt has Christmas plans with Dan, and Allison already took Renee and Seth away from the court because “They deserve a vacation with the best that I can do,” and Alli’s best are usually marvelous. He can't wait to transfer to Palmetto State, he can feel his time with the ravens closing up. He would be closer to Kevin, to the girls and to Matt. First, he has to recover.

***

He does know people too. The cafe owner, Nicky Hemmick and his husband, Erik, keep trying to make him come around, meet people, talk about Exy (because apparently there are enough fans even in this little place) and while he would usually not turn down an occasion to talk people’s ears out, he just doesn’t feel like it. This is the real Neil, the Nathaniel he would always be, not the Neil he tried to be for the foxes. The foxes are not here so he can be as isolated as his heart desires. And his heart desires to never get near other people if he doesn’t have to. Nicky is a necessity, he brings the groceries when Neil forgets and is the constant provider of ground coffee. He doesn’t drink it on most days, he just makes it and lets the smell take over the room. Coffee was the single addiction he was allowed with the ravens so he made it a point to never get addicted, making it only seem he needed it to function. Plus, he was sure Kevin knew Nicky and that was why he was all over Neil, so not only a necessity but also a spy. Allegedly.

“You know, me and my cousins go to the local court to play,” Nicky said one morning, leaning on the side of Neil’s door. “You could tag along.”

“Doctor’s orders, no Exy. You know that.” And by doctor Neil meant Kevin, because it was known Neil doesn’t usually listen to doctors. Nicky was watching Neil put the groceries in the cabinets, looking around the kitchen. He made more than one comment about the neatness of Neil’s place since he’s known him. In his brain it meant something, but Neil was too tired to decipher Nicky’s mind.

“Maybe just watch us play? Give us some advice, just a friendly hang-out.” Nicky could be a little entertaining , with his flourishes and hand talking and Neil was watching him almost amused. Nicky was smart and a great guy, still he lived most of his days like he never had a thought in his life; and that could be truly inspiring.

“Why don’t you ask Kevin to show you?”

“C’mon Neil, you know Kevin has no time.” And he looked so shocked Neil almost smiled. “You manipulative little shit!”

“You don’t get to call me that in your position. What do you tell him?”

“Honestly, not as much as you think I do.”

“I don’t think anything,” Neil said softly.

“I usually tell him about our matches and progress, you know he doesn’t care about much else.”

Neil leaned his hip on a chair and crossed his arms, people seem to like it when he does that and true to his orientation, Nicky starts talking.

“I told him you’re not keeping yourself healthy.”

He throws his hands up. “Bullshit.” Biting his cheek he turned back to the cabinets. “I am plenty healthy, thank you very much.”

“Canned soup is not an athlete’s meal.”

Neil was trying to keep himself still, but his hands kept brushing his ears and hair in frustration.

“Neither are marshmallows but Erik told me you drink coffee with them all the time.”

“You don’t get to attack me on that, I don’t play professionally.”

“Are you done bullying him? Can we go?” Aaron asked from the hallway.

When Nicky turned to him, he sounded almost offended. “You don’t have to wait for me.”

“Yet, look at me. Awful to see you Neil, have a bad day.”

“Glad to know you still exist, never have I been as happy as in the seconds I get to see you,” Neil said slowly. Aaron lifted his middle finger in salute and made his exit with no other words. Interesting that Kevin liked these guys so much, while still being no surprise. Aaron Minyard, the shortest guy Neil has ever seen. The angriest too. Nothing interesting around him, blond, white, brown eyes. Nothing like the dark shades that formed Nicky. And still, they were both plain.

“Really, Neil, please think about it, you need recovery, not post-injury depression.” He looked worried but everyone was worried about Neil, he usually ignores it. Then he leaned into Neil’s space and added quietly “Do you know how dangerous you sound when you’re sarcastic?”

“Go back to your husband, Nicky.”

“My husband approves of you.”

“I wouldn’t.”

The bookstore was open when Neil got back from his shower. He had a quick run that morning in preparation for the tons of paperwork he had to complete for the day. Wymack was acting as Neil already made part of the team; Neil didn’t know how to feel about that.

He nearly missed the call, in his habit to not pick the phone, but days on days of phone conversation are starting to piss him off enough to pick up, just so he can annoy Kevin in return.

“How’s coach?”

“That’s the first thing you say to me?”

“You know your father likes me,” Neil said. He was smirking but no one needed to know. It was just a little empowering to know he had this advantage.

“My father likes you way too much, he acts like you’re already on the team.”

“Maybe he just knows that’s how it’s supposed to be.”

He was walking around the room, not necessarily mindlessly, but in such a manner that he could look out the window every few words. This was worse than his exy obsession, this one has no outbreak and no purpose. He was sure he saw Aaron walk in there a few seconds ago.

“Get better and you can consider yourself on the team,” Kevin was saying but, almost like everyone else, he sounded worried. “I was told you found a mole.” Kevin coughed a little and Neil’s smirk fell instantly.

“Stop putting people on my heels. I’ve had enough of that in this life alone.”

“Nicky is a good guy—”

“Yes, I know, I know. It’s the reason he’s not dead in an alley. That and because I’m taking pity on his husband.” He could hear Kevin breathing on the other side, he could hear him folding his clothes, moving around the room.

“Please allow me this one thing. For example, you never told me about your meals. Your real meals,” he added when Neil wanted to protest. “I will send you a file with everything you need to know.”

“Like I don’t, after all the time you talked my head off.”

“I see you don’t.” He had that condescending voice on him, the one he used when he knew he was right, which was way too often.

“At this point I could be a bitch and ask you how Jean and Jeremy are.”

“They are perfectly alright.” Neil hummed in response. “I talk to them all the time,” Kevin said. It was too fierce to be casual, but not violent enough.

“You miss them.”

“Well, I also miss you and I don’t bitch about it.”

That silenced Neil for a long moment. Kevin coughed on the line but Neil didn’t care. As an orphan no one cared about him and when he was recruited to Edgar Allan Poe University, on the raven’s team, they cared about his talent, his agility. He took the summer to train with another team and he chose the foxes, because they seemed united and they are pros, a number 1 ranked team. He found out they have their own issues but that team was the first to truly care about him. And that cost him the last match with the ravens, where he was badly injured by his own teammates (allegedly). He was ready to get out of there.

“I don’t.” Kevin huffed. “I don’t do missing.”

“I know you don’t.” Neil almost lost himself in puzzle solving window games when Kevin changed the subject. “You should get out more.”

“I go running every day.” He took a seat as far from the window as he could. He had to stop.

“I’m talking about going out. Let Nicky take you to Eden’s. Give Aaron crap advice on the court. Even Kaitlyn would take your gymnastics bullshit talk.”

“I talk gymnastics better than you ever will.”

“That is not the point.”

“It’s never the point when I’m right,” Neil shot back.

“Do your homework.”

“Interesting counter attack. Do you have more where that one came from?”

“Don’t sweet talk me.”

That, at last, made Neil smile. The fast conversation, the normalcy of having someone to call. Of having to answer.

“You could go down to the book shop. You can see it from your window. You’ll have something to do and you won’t have to talk. Book people usually let you alone when you’re searching. Just don’t tell anyone you read Lockers and Cyphers before it was cool.”

“Starting to think you knew exactly where you sent me when you told me of this place.”

“Can’t have it any other way.” He was silent for a second. “Stay safe.”

Like he wasn’t. Maybe he wasn’t.

He was only a little relieved he had an excuse to find out what was all about the bookstore. But he didn’t take it at first. He completed his paperwork, printed and threw in the garbage the file from Kevin, worked out for more than three hours in the living room so he could be as far from the window as possible. He couldn’t understand why it became such an obsession but he was sure it will end the minute he found his answers and he felt almost empty with anticipation.

He was not at all bored and he really took the time to get better. He needed to get better to play.

But the truth was that he wanted to know how the world is from this perspective, a young adult, a proffesional exy player that can afford much of anything. A person with a lot of free time.

Neil was feeling dizzy from getting down the stairs so fast. The snow on the street was so bright. Back on campus the snow was always dirty, Neil felt like he was seeing a white miracle now, so bright and unbelievable. Felt like a sign to stay inside.

He couldn’t just walk into the shop so he walked to the cafe and before he could change his mind Nicky saw him from the counter and waved him inside. A bell clinked at the door making Neil flinch. He never walked inside out of the general idea that cafes are for socialising, but it all seemed warm, colorful, pastel and different nuances of wood. He went up to Nicky, thinking of all the coffee names he usually rants about.

When he couldn’t come up with anything helpful he said “Black coffee.” Nicky looked way too happy and when he turned to Erik and his husband slipped him a 20, Neil added “You know what, give me your sweetest thing.”

“Too late,” Nicky sang on his way to the machine.

“I hate it here.”

“You love me.”

“Here’s where you’re mistaken. I love your husband.”

“Don’t get me into this, I am happily married,” Erik said in German.

And Neil answered promptly in the same language, “I am not the one that brought up the idea of you approving of me.”

Erik looked shocked for a second then his smile lighted up his whole face. “Oh, I knew I liked you.”

Nicky was giggling uncontrollably in the corner. He stopped only to say, “Man I do hope we haven’t said anything bad around you.”

“Only the usual comments, nothing too big.”

“You need to be told you are gorgeous more often,” Nicky said wisely.

“I assure you, I don’t.”

“Either way, I was talking about approving of you and Andrew.” Erik’s voice was soft and rich, still his words made no sense.

“That’s what you were talking about? I swear I could hear something else,” Nicky said and he went back to cackling when Erik came behind him and finished the coffee.

“Who’s Andrew?”

“My cousin. He’s a bit of a loner, we were just joking about you two meeting. He’s also into exy, he plays goalie.” Nicky handed Neil his coffee and made a ‘on the house’ gesture. Neil knew Nicky doesn’t usually work in the front and he didn't know if he had to fear some poison or an aphrodisiac but the coffee was good, so he wasn’t about to complain.

“Where you heading now?” Erik asked.

“I’m just… taking a walk. Wanted to see how’s the winter treating you here.”

“You should check out the shop! The book shop, that is,” said Nicky. “Renee—you know Renee—helped fund it. Half or more from the money go to charities. That’s why it’s still open so close to the holidays.”

“Renee knows the guy at the shop?” At that the men glanced at each other a little confused but it was so fast Neil couldn’t guess the meaning.

“They’re good friends from what we know. You should go and say hi on her behalf.” Neil was absolutely gonna say hi yet he rolled his eyes like he wasn’t even thinking about it. He finished the coffee in silence, looking out into the street.

Renee told him that she sees herself as a bad person trying very hard to be a good person. This guy must be either another bad person or a really good person that happened to meet Renee. Neil didn’t know who he pitied more.

“Does Aaron have a doppelganger? I saw this guy that looks a lot like him.”

“Really? I know, right, we’re surprised too,” Nicky said but then he started laughing so damn hard he had to go in the back room to calm down. When Neil looked at Erik for explanation all he got was a smirk and a seemingly innocent shrug.

***

When Neil Josten first walked into the book shop Andrew didn’t expect to hate him so much. Customers come and go and as long as he keeps to Renee’s ‘motto’ of “Remind them they’re doing good for the world” he’s usually fine. This one couldn’t have been fine in any other dimension. Andrew was pilling books on the balcony beside the main entrance, half focused and half bitter he wasn’t gonna know what happens in the series he was currently reading because someone just bought the last book. It would be months again until he would know.

When someone comes in he usually lets them alone unless they ask for something. They usually don’t. Everyone’s happy. No one was there and he had a few minutes of peace until the door opened again and he heard a voice behind him whispering “Aaron?” He didn’t turn to face them, he had no reason to until they said “Minyard!” as if trying the word out.

When he turned he was met with the bluest eyes, in a background of face scars and auburn hair. The guy looked a little taken aback.

“You’re not Aaron.”

“Deductive. Where’s that talent coming from?”

“I can’t believe Nicky did that to me.”

“Me either, you must be really angry. You should go and pick a fight, you look the type,” Andrew told him.

“I’ll pick you a fight,” he shot.

Andrew looked at the book in his hand. Hardcover, Dracula. That would do. He dropped it, thinking it would hit the guy’s face and he was truly disappointed when he managed to catch it. “Fast. Is that why Kevin likes you so much?” He narrowed his eyes but the man only cocked his head and looked him directly in the eyes. He was hot, he must have known he was hot. Everything about him said dangerous, poisonous, broken. If he wasn’t who he was, Neil Josten would go around breaking hearts.

“He likes me for what I can do.”

“Interesting way of putting it. What you can do in bed, what you can do in court?”

“I can do plenty and still be the best at all.”

“Arrogant, not worth keeping,” he said, descending the stairs. “Didn’t you have brown eyes the last time you were on TV?”

“You look for me on the news?”

“Did Kevin tell you to come here?”

“I see this is not gonna work, you’re too self focused to understand I didn’t know you existed until fifteen seconds ago. How was I supposed to know Aaron has a twin?”

Andrew came right in front of Neil, looking into his eyes. Neil had his arms crossed but in a more casual way, not defensive. Andrew’s brain was spinning.

“Everyone knows I have a twin, we’re usually advertised together.”

Fuck, those eyes were so fucking blue, Andrew was gonna scream.

“My bad,” Neil said softly. When Andrew reached for the book still in Neil’s hand the man only came closer to him, in a clueless dance. Neil actually looked surprised when he was hit with the book right in the face.

“Check your sources. Go and annoy Nicky from now on.”

“You asshole,” Neil murmured.

“Be glad we weren’t on the court, I would have hit you with a racket.”

“How come Kevin knows all the creeps?”

“Because he’s one of them. The question is, why don’t you know? Because you’re also one?” He stopped to let him think, but he was starting to almost enjoy this. “Or is it because you’re not important enough to be told?”

“Are you the goalie he wanted to recruit?”

“And the award for—”

“You’re an idiot for saying no.”

“Don’t interrupt me ever again.” They were playing something, Andrew was not sure what. He was at the counter and Neil was walking across the room, only to come closer. He looked so focused, a strategic weirdo. “I think we already established I am an asshole.” He took a seat, this will either go for a long time or end immediately. “But, you see, I’m not the one that came in here to pick fights.”

“I’m not picking fights.” It was a fast response, a lie, but Andrew knows that’s all that ever was of Neil, a lie.

“Not books either, as we can see. You can leave.”

“I think I’m gonna take a seat.”

“No way, this is my store, I get to say who does what.”

“Right over there. That’s where I’ll be. Send Nicky my threats.”

Andrew couldn’t fucking believe this guy.

After that, every day was a new annoyance. Neil was a daily nuisance, coming in the shop like it was his house, taking a seat and rambling about exy. Andrew managed to mute him out most of the time or silence him by giving Neil a random book, but sometimes he would listen. Neil talked about Kevin and his time with the foxes like that was his exy career and not the one with the ravens, Sometimes he would make an inappropriate comment or sit in a way that made Andrew think Neil was fully aware of his power. Andrew was slowly going insane.

Sometimes Neil would ask why he said no to Kevin and he would answer in the same way, “It’s much funnier to not give him what he wants.” And he could see Neil agreeing, not truly directly, to the fact that Kevin doesn’t always need what he wants.

“If you want to stay here, you will have to learn to do what I say,” Andrew told him once, pushing him aside.

“Usually what you say doesn’t align with what I want to do. How about you work around me?”

“How about you get out?”

“Ha!”

He was reading at the cafe once while Nicky interrogated him, when Andrew came in. It was colder than the days before, and it was busier than he ever wished the shop to be but he supposed it was good for the business. The first free moment he got he went to get himself the sweetest hot chocolate Nicky has. Erik made them better but he wouldn’t be here for a few days. Meaning Nicky needed someone else to entertain him.

“The fact that you didn’t tell me they were twins is still a reason of anger, yes,” Neil told him calmly. When he glanced up and saw Andrew he said “Did you know these guys gossiped about us?”

“Yes, of course, where have you been? They are awful, and must be called out for their every word.”

“Hey, I’m making your drink, make sure what you say to the person that has the upper hand.”

“I’ll just let Neil here taste it for me.” He heard Neil huff a breath but he didn’t dare look. He was already losing sleep, he had to do something.

“Where are you going afterwards?” Nicky asked.

“Gotta pick up a stack of books. It’ll probably take a few hours.”

“Can I come?”

“No.”

“Why?” When he looked over to Neil, they seemed much closer than a few seconds ago. He was sitting like that again, like he knew what he was doing. So Andrew got closer as well, just to try his reaction. Neil didn’t even flinch.

“Don’t make me wait, Nicky.”

“No, I’m curious, why can’t Neil come?”

“Ok, fine, the junkie can come. But you’re not touching anything.”

“Fine by me.” Neil said and it looked as if they were way too close.

“What’s it with you and annoying people?”

They have been on the road for a few minutes and it looked like Neil would never shut up about stickball strategies. He was much hotter when he didn’t show how stupid he was.

“You never told me to leave.”

“I don’t have to, you need to understand you have to leave me alone.”

“I don’t think I do. I think you like having me around, Andrew.”

“Less talking.”

“Says the guy for whom words seem to be so important. Tell me again, why is Ophelia such an important character?”

“Fuck you.”

So, it was understandable Andrew couldn’t resist. The wild nature around Neil’s whole being was irresistible, maddening. Still he wanted to see how far he can get himself. His perfume, his voice, his eyes. The calm Neil surrounded himself with, looking out the car’s window. It was already dark outside, a little sphere of stillness that made it easier to think and feel.

Neil was still a stranger but he was a stranger that Andrew was willing to get to know. More, he wanted to know Neil. A mistake, a beautiful mistake coming his way.

It was peaceful, driving was easy because you had to focus on the road and not on beautiful boys in the passenger seat. He could see Neil taking a sip of his hot chocolate and frowning every few minutes. It was actually interesting.

“Not one for the sweet things?”

“Tastes like poison.”

“Hmm. Erik told me about his bet with Nicky. You’re a boring man.”

“They’re the boring ones, they would bet on literally anything.” Neil was throwing these words easily but he didn’t sound actually judgemental. “I don’t think I ever saw people to take it to this level of art.”

“Then you don’t know the foxes as well as you think you do. They once took a bet on me and Renee.”

“For?” Well that was proof enough that he was either oblivious or too smart for mere mortals.

“They were theorizing about us as a couple.”

“But Renee is not at all into… well, men.”

“Tell them that. I am not and will never be into women and despite half of them being queer, they couldn’t see that.”

“I don’t know, they helped me find out I might be on the ace spectrum. They can be helpful.” Andrew only hummed in response. “Are you really? Gay?”

“Yes.” And that seemed to be enough of an answer because Neil took his place back, looking out the window, legs on the dashboard, the occasional light hitting his face just right.

***

Neil wasn’t keen on evening drives but it was easier than he thought it would be to let Andrew take the wheel and drive him around. And even though he didn’t know Andrew, he knew of Andrew for a really long time. The athlete that caught Kevin’s eye and the single one who said no. Neil doubted Andrew would have said yes to the ravens but Neil allowed himself to daydream. How would it have been if Andrew was there.

Safer. He was sure of it.

There was no cast on his hand anymore but he could feel from time to time the phantom of pain, the fear, the fall.

“Stop thinking,” Andrew told him.

“Not as easy as you think it is.”

“Then sleep, we’ll get there in a few and you can catch some sleep on the way back.”

“No deal.”

“You’re barely standing, Josten. Sleep.”

“I am...sitting. Ok, you know what, I’m gonna sleep but you’ll have to carry me inside.”

“Keep dreaming.”

He was half asleep when he felt Andrew’s hand hovering over his knee and then retreating. With his eyes half closed he took the hand in his and kept it there. It was firm, a The next thing he knew he was in front of his apartment building.

“Come, junkie, wake up.”

“You have to carry me.”

“I am not carrying you.”

“I’ll need another deal then.”

“Simple as that? I think we can find something but first, get up.”

Outside it was freezing after all the time in the car but Andrew threw a jacket on him when he got out and that stopped all logical thoughts. He nearly slipped on the ice but Andrew caught him by the elbow, with another hand on his back. By the time he made it to his door he was surprised to see Andrew close behind him. He smiled at him but didn’t stay too long to see his reaction. Opening the door he made sure the jacket was safely on him because he was ready to act like he forgot about it. But Andrew didn’t seem to care. He closed the door behind him and then looked around with his usual disinterest.

There was a man, a man in his apartment, and Neil was more than fine with that. It was astonishing how comfortable Neil felt around him.

“Want a tour?”

“Only the kitchen, you need something hot.”

“Aren’t you enough?”

“Keep joking and you’ll never taste my great coffee.”

“If it’s like your chocolate order I don’t want it.”

“I know how to make coffee for the ungrateful,” Andrew told him. He was looking at the open bedroom door and the window half visible through it. “Interesting.”

“Not at all. You have an awful schedule.”

“Maybe I’ll let you know what it is one day.”

“Ha.” Not that Neil was curious anymore, the answers have been interesting enough to make up for his obsession. Seeing Andrew in there, between books, between people, it was enough to both calm Neil down and rail him up. “What do you mean by ungrateful?” He took a seat from where he pointed to Andrew all the cabinets he needed to open.

“The sugar haters.” Neil was starting to protest when Andrew added “Don’t worry, Renee is one too. I know how to tread around the bunch of you.”

“I would argue we are easier to maintain.”

“That’s what you want to believe.”

Andrew’s way of being was so different than what Neil was used to. Apathy by arrogance was a thing he was surrounded by with the ravens, and the foxes gave him false expectations about the world with their realism and positivity. For them it didn’t matter how messed up you were, there was still a chance for another time.

When the water started boiling Neil got up and leaned on the side of the counter. Andrew crossed his arms, looking at him. “How about I tell you a reason to hate Kevin and you tell me why you said no to playing exy?”

“You’re an idealist. I already hate Kevin, don’t need help with that. How about why you chose Palmetto?”

“What am I gonna get?”

“Nothing you don’t deserve.”

He was watching Andrew closely, but he didn’t seem put off by it. He could give some honesty on his end if that meant he’ll get something in return.

“The ravens are too obsessed. Their games are calculated by centimetre, every line is already played by the time the opponent thinks of it. It wins the games but it leaves you no place to actually play, to be there yourself. You have to perform because your teammates are already in their places.”

“What you’re saying is that you want to show off,” Andrew pointed.

“It can also mean that. All I know is that I want to play as myself, not as a machine.”

“Kevin can be an awful machine too. What are you going to do about that?”

“I’m going to win him over. I went to Palmetto to train with another team, I didn’t get there to switch them, but to play with different people for a change. It happened, because Kevin thought I should be on the team. Because he saw my impulsivity, hated it and then said ‘ That’s what we need.’ It meant something to have a person believe in me for my play and not only my potential.”

Andrew was by the stove again, his back to Neil. “Still, you were so ready to make me hate him.”

“I figured you had a reason, I just wanted to see if you are willing to take another.” Neil could see Andrew beating a rhythm on the wood surface, indifferent and thoughtful. He turned back to Neil, close, dangerously close. He reached to his neck and started tapping Neil’s heart beats.

“I don’t feel the need to please Kevin. Saying no to him is a hobby. You say yes yes yes and all I have to say is no.” The few inches he had on Andrew felt like nothing right that moment, with Andrew looking directly into his eyes. “I play exy, I don’t need Kevin for me to do that.”

“You could go so far, he told me about your matches.”

“Oh?”

“I asked him.”

  
“You went from not knowing who I am to asking around about me. Exy obsessed junkie. That’s the point, I don’t want to go far.” When Andrew turned around Neil was close to falling forward, like the force keeping him upward was the simple touch of Andrew. “Take this, you’ll catch a cold,” he said, handing him a cup of coffee.

“Hardly probable. I rarely get colds. But being kept warm doesn’t sound so bad.”

“Drink your bitter soul killer, junkie.” He then proceeded to drop five spoons of sugar in his own coffee and stir it in his hand. It was a whole thing to see Andrew this way, one of his jumper’s sleeves covering his whole hand. He looked soft but unapproachable. It was a slower death than coffee.

“On a scale from one to five, how much do you like Christmas movies?”

“Zero.”

“Perfect,” Neil said. “I have this one saved that I wanted to watch for ages. You’ll love it.”

“Doubt it.”

Neil was not looking to see if Andrew was following him to the sofa, only hoping he will. He opened the TV because otherwise he might do something really stupid. Andrew took a seat on the floor, at his feet and Neil made himself comfortable. He took down the jacket, only to place it on the back of the sofa so he could rest on it. He drank his coffee in silence while looking for the movie. He did save a movie but only because Matt kept annoying him about it. He never planned on watching it, but it was as good a distraction as any.

He felt himself getting warmer, the hot drink finally kicking in. When Andrew leaned his head on his knee he didn’t know what to do with himself, only stay still. He enjoyed the feeling of having someone close. Neil didn’t know if it was because of Andrew or only because he missed this type of intimacy. He has been an orphan since he was ten. He knew what having parents meant, but that has never been a role model family. He had lied about his childhood for as long as he could remember. He wondered how it would feel to not lie for once. It felt… normal, telling Andrew the truth. Neil found himself running his fingers through Andrew’s blond hair. He was not at all focused on the movie and he was sure Andrew wasn’t either.

He woke up in his own bed. He looked up and saw Andrew smoking by the window in one of his sweaters. When he looked closer, it was an exy piece, the gift from Dan as an honorary teammate. The light from outside and the deep orange of the sweater made Andrew’s eyes brighter and colder. Mesmerizing.

“I slept on the couch.”

“Figured.”

“Interesting view you have here,” he said, taking another drag of his cigarette.

Neil got out of bed a little dizzy. Andrew was watching him intensely, something playing in his eyes.

“Keeps me entertained.” Andrew turned back to the window as if to try that theory.

“You look awful Josten, I can’t even look at you.”

“You don’t have to,” Neil said.

“I want to.”

He said it so casually, unaware of Neil’s spinning head. No matter Andrew's general presence he was a mess in that moment too, his eyes half closed and his hair all over the place. Neil wanted to give him a reason to look that way, in his bedroom, in the winter morning. He felt a certain amount of luck to get to see Andrew Minyard that way.

Andrew huffed a breath and went back to his cigarette. “I open at different times every day. Always with ten minutes earlier or later, depending on how I feel. I could see you by the window on most mornings. Thought it was interesting enough.”

“That gets your attention?”

“You got my attention.”

“You have to stop telling that to pretty boys. Bet they get bored fast enough.”

“Will I get bored of you?” He took a slow drag and blew it in Neil’s face. “You’re coming to Eden’s tonight. I usually go with Nicky and Aaron. You’ll entertain me this time.” He reached over and took Neil’s chin between his fingers, dragging one over his left cheek and then placing his hand lightly at his neck.

“Alright.”

“That was easy.”

“I’m planning on asking questions.”

“And I’m planning on never answering them.”

***

That night Andrew couldn’t take his eyes off Neil, in the bright colors of the club, in the clothes he told him to wear, the awful attitude coming beautifully with his icy eyes. He was a new bright spot in Andrew’s life. He knows how it feels killing somebody. Andrew was sure Neil was going to kill him. All he ever did was lie, he knew that from Renee, he knew that from the news. And still, Neil seemed so lose with his truths around him.

He wanted to have fun and he ended up watching Neil like he hung the moon. He needed to catch a grip but he couldn’t bring himself to stop, to rewind, to make a better mistake.

He reached for Neil’s hand and he took it immediately, pulling him closer, like an all knowing force. When he smiled Andrew put a hand on his waist, keeping him there. It was maddening yet Andrew started to learn that was who Neil was.

When they got to his house, Andrew found that place again, taking the next step and spreading his hand across Neil’s back.

“Yes or no?”

“It feels like it’s always yes with you.”

“Don’t give me this crap. Yes or no?”

“Yes.”

The kiss was a multitude of feelings and thoughts. It was Neil whispering ‘Yes’ and ‘Andrew’ and ‘I wanted it for so long.’ It was hot and Andrew waited for it too, in a desire of understanding and being understood. There was a long way to go for both of them, still this couldn’t feel more right, the two of them, together, in a violent collision because there was no other way with them. Neil kissed like he waited for a response and when he got it he kissed like it was the most beautiful question.

Andrew was ready to be the one responding.

"Tell me Josten, how often do you go around breaking hearts?"

Neil smiled at him. Stupid. "I'm planning on never breaking a heart again. Or? Do you want to be my first?"

"Idiot." He kissed him again and again, violent or gentle or however Neil wanted to be kissed. 

They fell on the sofa with Andrew on top and he took that as a hint. He started unbuttoning Neil's shirt like he did a thousand times with Neil was panting and moaning under him.

"Is this ok?"

"Yes, it's perfect." Neil took Andrew in another kiss and another. Andrew was so close to making a joke about his addiction but he was as if not more addicted to this honest liar, this fast talking, blue-eyed mystery. Neil looked at him with those big, fierce eyes and Andrew felt ready to give him everything.

He made them hot chocolate afterwards. Because Neil asked and because he wanted one as well. He found Neil curled in the blankets when he came back and after he handed him one of the mugs he took a seat right beside Neil, almost in his lap. Neil went a little further and cuddled into Andrew's side, so easily, so confidently. Andrew could get used to it. 

"Feeling brave junkie?"

"Only safe."

He looked down at Neil's face and if he was feeling safe, Andrew was feeling damn vulnerable. It was a feeling that needed adjusting but he could work with it. Taking Neil's face into his hand he kissed him, first on his mouth, then on his cheek. On his scars.

"I like it when you do that."

"Hate you?"

"Sure, you can say that."

"Because I hate you."

"I'm sure of that," Neil said, with the air of a person that was making fun of you. Truth be told, Andrew wasn't sure either, but hating was easier. 

When Neil settled in a more comfortable position, they talked. Neil told him of all the places he's seen after the ravens recruited him and all the places in Palmetto that became his favorites, like the restaurant closest to the court, because it was open most of the time. Andrew made fun of him for that. But he also talked. He told Neil of all the plans he made with Renee, about the charities and the games, the kick-boxing, the local exy matches. 

In the mist of all that Neil took Andrew's hand in his, keeping it between them. And when they were both done with their drinks they made themselves comfortable beside each other taking it all in. The warmth, the dizzy feeling, the quietness. Andrew's mind hasn't been quiet in so long. He could also see Neil going minutes on end without gazing at his hand like it was still hurt. His mind must be quiet too. And if they can do that, what need do they have for anything else?

Embracing him, Andrew said "Let's go to sleep." And when they woke up they were a mess of limbs and blankets. It made both their hearts ache. 

**Author's Note:**

> this is partly dedicated to that one amazing person who commented on my last fic that they would like a whole book written by me: thank you so much. i am planning on it, both an original story and a longer coffee shop/flower shop andreil AU <3  
> hoping for the best
> 
> please tell me what you think sincerely <3


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